summary of my life.
feel free to ignore this. :) mostly a whiny rant.
when i was a little kid, i was like SOCIAL BUTTERFLY FOR THE WIN. even though i got picked on. all the time. for being fat. yes, i was a fat child. i liked ponies. and barbies. and make-believe. and i drewdrewdrew.
i went to a montessori school. i liked everyone, but i had my one bff and we would squeal like we hadn’t seen each other in years every morning. and i was happy lalala.
then we moved to england.
i was still purdy social, but the teasing was worse. i was basically tormented and no one did anything about it. i used to fake getting sick to get out of another day of torture at school.
and then we moved back to north carolina.
i tried to get back in touch with my bff from montessori school but she basically said “LOLno.” because kids start school earlier in england, i was a year ahead in america. also, my birthday is in june, so i still would have been one of the younger kids in the class if i’d been on an american schedule. so the north carolina school decides “hey! let’s just put her two years back, eh? :D” my mom freaked and said, “NO, WE ARE GOING TO HOMESCHOOL HER. YOU GUYS ARE MORONS.”
shitty thing about homeschooling: because you don’t really go anywhere, it’s hard as frick to make friends. worse yet, i’d changed since living in england and getting tormented all the time. so i just cooped myself up in the house. i had pretty much no friends for god-knows-how-long. i was a fxing loser. and, yes, i was still fat.
several years later, my parents realize “OHHEY OUR DAUGHTER HAS NO LIFE.” so they THRUST me back into public school. mid-year, 7th grade. they put me back a year because i was socially awkward enough without being a year younger than everyone. i was still a loser, but at least i had a couple friends.
then, during the SAME SCHOOL YEAR that i hadn’t even spent entirely IN THE SAME SCHOOL, JUST AS I WAS STARTING TO MAKE FRIENDS;
we move to georgia.
hoorah.
so, brand new school, brand new people, and i had to start. all. over.
i had pretty much no friends for rest of 7th grade.
8th grade sucked pretty hard too. a few friends, but not many. mother was under the impression that i was amazingly popular. i was not.
gsmst begins!!
now, this is why i’m so reluctant to leave gsmst, even though it pisses me off to know end:
for the first time in a very, very long time, i have more than three friends. actual friends.
how fxing sad is that?
now, oddly enough, this is when i go into severe depression. like, clinically diagnosed depression. i-was-seeing-therapists depression. i-was-in-a-mental-hospital depression. something-is-wrong-with-the-chemicals-in-my-body-and-my-brain-is-jacked depression. like most of you, i was sleep-deprived, and of course living on two hours of sleep for two weeks was not helping. thanks to freshman year, i still have insomnia, even with my sleeping meds. my parents still had a firm grip on my life and tried to control everything. but the story of my parents is for another time.
so apparently, i had gone through two bouts of depression, one in 8th grade and one late last school year-this year. i just didn’t reconize the first one as depression.
i guess that’s why i’m starting to really not give a crap about school anymore. i never want to go through that shit again, because i really don’t think i can handle it a third time around. instead of the old ways of coping with stress, i go into a state of detatchment and just stop caring. i would cry every day because i just didn’t know what else to do. i don’t do that anymore. now, i get angry. or just do nothing at all. not really much of an improvement.
oh, by the way - still fat. always been fat. :|
